I can’t say that there was a very specific day or moment that made me think ” Now i believe in God”. Because i have always known, there was a God. I just never knew Jesus.
Me and my sister Evi are 9 years apart. It was her who chose Christianity and it was her who went through all the trouble with our parents first, when she decided to literally live by the bible. I was 8 years old and i remember all the fights between them and telling me that my sister was a member of a dangerous cult. It was much later that my mom would open up and explain to me that, she was worried and not familiar what it means to ”live by the bible”. To be fair. As a roman or orthodox catholic you don’t learn a lot about the bible. You being taught about the 10 commandments, a little bit about who Moses was, who Noah was and mainly who Maria is and why she is so important.
So it all started with J E S U S. My sister would talk about Jesus, as a real person who’s still alive. Things she said was very confusing. She was around 16 then.
I had no idea what to expect
Evi moved out when i was 9 or so. One day she came back for a visit and left a movie to watch. It was called J E S U S and i believe it was this one (youtube)?! I didn’t watch it right away. I felt uncomfortable and scared. To me Jesus was some guy who didn’t eat a long time and claimed he can fix the blind and died on a cross. People would make fun of Jesus. And in summer, you would call those people out, walking around with sandals looking like the ones Jesus wore. You’d call them ” Jesus’ freaks”. Learning about the Messiah was impossible. You misbehave and confess to the priest so he can give that message to God. We die, we go to paradise or hell. Excuse me, how do i get there?
Months would go by and i had totally forgotten about the movie. My room was always a mess and one day it fell back into my hand. I looked at it and felt immediate guilt and fear. Not sure exactly what it was. My parents left for a meeting and that is when i rushed to the living room to turn on the VHS recorder. I made sure no one was at home anymore and closed the family room.
JESUS’ first approach into my heart
I guess you can say, that is when He first knocked on door!
Watching the movie brought me back in time. How silly everyone looked and how funny they would speak. Understanding any movie rated 18 is difficult for a 9 year old. Especially when it became more and more graphic. I saw Jesus walking around, trying to do good and people making fun of him. He was laughed at, spit at, kicked and beaten. He was told to kill himself or to proof he was the son of God. That way they would believe him. That is how people still believe. By the things that they see with their own eyes.
I did not understand why Jesus didn’t quit. Why he didn’t keep his mouth shut if he knows people are hurting him. Wouldn’t that have been so much easier? I wasn’t thinking about whether he really healed the sick. I felt pain in my entire body when he was tortured. I cried and felt helpless. When he died, i was relieved. Knowing after being dead, people are not in pain anymore. Though when he raised and went to heaven, i thought he was gone. Forever. I thought, if people would have not killed him, he would still be here somehow and bad things wouldn’t happen on earth. The world would be wonderful and no one would be sick or alone. You know, normal thoughts of a 9 year old. I felt sad for God. Though i knew God must of been crazy powerful to be able to get him back, so He can now love his son and protect him. I never felt upset about God either. Not yet!
I had absolutely no idea what impact this would have later in my life from now on. I am 39 years old in 2 days and let me tell you. The way i lived my life and the way i saw the world, I am stunned how much He wanted me back home.
Did I change you wonder? The question is not if i changed or what changed. More like the realization what impact it had much much later in my life. Because it made things a lot easier for me to look back, seeing when i was carried by Him throughout my troubles. It made accepting Him easier.
You can say, it was a painful experience learning about Jesus at such a young age. And little did i know how much more pain i would have to experience in life between growing up not caring about Him and trying to find my way home.
Love can be painful when we realize how pure and real it is. It makes us vulnerable yet fills us with unlimited happiness.
At some point you observe all the things around you. Things in the past, present until right now. And i know God was always nearby. It was not until my mid 30’s when i repent and not only became a Christian but completely gave my life to Christ.